Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Oh! I want to be "Me"...

Oh! How many times I have wished I was able to be me?...But either my loved ones or situations did not allow me to be what I really wanted to. I shouldn't be blaming situations here. It was more like the people around me (my loved ones ) whom I was conscious about whether I would be accepted if I do something what I intend to. For instance, once when we came out of a restaurant, I saw a mentally challenged women with torn clothes begging. I impulsively wanted to buy her clothes from a nearby store and give it to her. I neither had that much cash at hand nor I was sure if I could do that (fearing what reactions I would get), I eventually I kept quiet. But unable to ignore her and just walk away I asked my husband to buy her some food.

This is not just one such situation. There have been 'n' number of situations of this kind where I intend to do something and I was not able to do so. The other day when I heard of a mother and daughter living in a deprived situation of their lives, I wanted to visit their house (in another town) and show them my care, concern and empathy. How I wished I had the freedom to be just the way I wanted to? Should there be a restriction even to be good or do good? But there is a restriction to be what I want to... and I live within the boundaries of what I am expected...

I sometimes think weird. What if I could voice my thoughts aloud and claim that I have the right to be and live my desire? I am not intending to do something immoral or unethical. I am only intending to be good and do good for others. I know I can't do that...I know the reactions I may get and know the extent it can affect the significant others. So I am continuing to live up to their expectations.

However, many weird things come to my mind like...What if I just go out of the way and do things without being concerned about others reactions. What stops me most of the time is the outcome of my action. I confine to my own feelings and thoughts and try to deal with my regrets and ill feelings of what I couldn't be by doing things which I passionately do...writing. The only part where I am myself is through my writings. As I often say, writing is an expression of myself. Here I can be what I want to be without limiting my true self...