Tuesday, August 28, 2012

In Pursuit of

I was drowning ...I could recollect that I was hit hard and was drowning perhaps into something deep and all the thoughts that were racing in my mind was my teen years. Everything seemed like a reel of memories rolled behind. I was seeing myself as a teen in search of meaning for life, a heavy disappointment hidden within me, a life without a purpose. I have found Lord Jesus. Now I am in the quest of what the Lord would want me do for Him. I am looking for a life with purpose. I am searching for my life's work. I meet a lot of people. I grow in the Lord. But day after day, month after month, and year after year, I only find disappointments. I don't find a single person who could direct me in the path of my quest.

I dream to do so many things- a counselor, youth worker, social worker etc. But I see that I am heading no where. I don't get any openings and the opportunities I get I am not satisfied. I find myself unable to work with people with different purpose and motives. I always look forward for selfless service and its hard to find like-minded folks. People have their own agendas and plans and I find it hard to gel with them. If we are to serve others selflessly, we need to do all that it requires to serve them even if it is going to take the extra mile. And I see that it is hard for others to do that as each one are too busy with their own agendas.

Years have gone by and life phases change. Marriage, kid, responsibilities change... so with the roles. Amid all these I still try to pursue my life's purpose working on some natural traits and burden only to eventually witness that these are short-lived like that of quick passing clouds. I still go straight with 2 attempts only to face continued failures. To forget all the series of disappointments and the heavy hidden remorse, I consciously choose to quit my pursuit for life's purpose.

Now having come to my mid years, I only try to build my career. Suddenly  I remember the hard blow I have had recently. A big disappointment in another sphere of life (my passion) seemed like a last blow to all the hope I had been holding to. Yeah, the picture comes vividly to my mind and as I open my eyes I realize that I am drowning and I cry out to my God like the psalmist does...doubting if help would come. I only recollect a verse from the Bible which is from Psalm 138:8

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O Lord, endures forever —
do not abandon the works of your hands. (NIV 1984)

I just repeat this verse again and again. I am not sure if I have the courage to believe this. 16 yrs has already passed, and to think that this verse is going to come true seems little skeptical. Not knowing what to do... I just say "I wish I could believe this, Lord help my unbelief", and then I close my eyes.