A Grave Danger...

One of the grave dangers some of us may be practicing subconsciously is the danger of negative self-fulfilling prophecy. People whose self-image depends on acceptance of others are already in the slimy pit of damaging self-image. Each of us have a self-image of our own. Predominantly, most of us have a good self-image. People whose self-image depends on meeting the expectation and acceptance of others are unknowingly and constantly making efforts to meet up to the expectations and standards of others as it causes them to 'feel good' about themselves.

When others reactions towards them is negative then their self-image is shaken causing them to think what wrong they did to receive negative reactions from others. Their thought process is something like: 'I was good to them, why are they reacting differently or indifferently to me? What wrong did I do to them?' These kind of questioning may affect their self-confidence, self-esteem and in turn their self-image.

In order to have a positive and healthy image...one has to adopt the following thinking pattern...

I know who I am. I am responsible for my decisions and choices. I don't have negative or unhealthy attitudes and intentions towards others. My significant others (people in my inner circle) knows me and loves me for whom I am. I have a positive and healthy image about myself. In spite of all this... if people around me or relating to me do not like me or treat me indifferently, I am not going to be affected. My self-image does not depend on others acceptance of me as a person.

Accept and Love for being the Person You are...

Happy Reading!

Control Freak

One of the negative attributes that can indeed damage relationships badly is the controlling behavior. Clinical psychologist Dr. David Schnarch affirms that "People who can't control themselves control the people around them" (2011). People who cannot take control of their thinking processes, emotions, decision-making, stand for their decisions and be able to handle the outcomes of the decisions made are perhaps the people who control others.

What might be the possible reasons why people would want to control others? Either they

• believe that they are always right while others are wrong OR 
• would not be flexible with people's choices and its outcomes or turn of events OR 
• want their way in everything

It is not wrong to be in control of our lives which helps us in taking charge of our responsibilities, decisions and everyday choices. Sometimes people misunderstand this phenomenon and try to exercise control over others. Instead of being in control of themselves and their lives, people tend to exercise control over others. It has been observed that highly insecure (of their choices or feelings) and demanding people are those who exercise control over others as they are under the presumption that they can keep things under their control which is seldom true . However, by doing so they not only end up in conflicting situations but also end up being frustrated and disappointed.

What should one do to come out of this trait...i.e. controlling others?
A change in perception and attitude will enable people with controlling behaviors be more at ease with themselves and in turn their relationships.

A change in perception and attitude comes when we know how to respect each person's individualism, other's choices and decisions, giving others their space (psychological, volitional, physical), appreciate differences and appreciate other people's characteristics, skills, talents and qualities.

Celebrate Individualism...

Reference
Schnarch, D. (2011). People Who Can't Control Themselves Control The People Around Them. Intimacy and Desire. Psychology Today.

The Dark Side of Relationships

Each of us knows that relationships are quite complex in nature. Life and relationships can be kept pretty simple if we want to. However, it is not as easy as thought and presumed. Why are relationships so complex and difficult to understand. There is something called the dark side of relationships which actually disrupts relationships. Some of the darker side of relationships according to Spitzberg (2006) are lying, jealousy, deception, manipulation, revenge, stalking, cheating, controlling, abuse, offending, hypocrisy and obsessive intrusion. When these characteristics enter into relationships they can badly spoil relationships leading to termination or worse forms of conflicts.

There is often a fine line in relationships which if well managed can help in balancing relationships. This fine line is something I call it as psychological space and freedom we give to one another. Be it between spouses, parents, children, friends, siblings, colleagues and significant others. If we learn to understand and respect each other's psychological space, we will be able to give that freedom to others to function independently as individuals and not interfere into their private space or seldom judge them. Respecting the other person's psychological space smoothens relationships. It creates positive vibes. If our thinking, perception, attitude, intentions, motives and behaviors are free from the dark aspects of relationships, we are able not only to create positive vibes within us but also spread them across to others. 

Why do some people feel cheerful and happy with those who have positive and healthy attitudes? It is because their thoughts, attitudes, perceptions, motives, behaviors are clean and they do not expect to make use of relationships or people ...creating positive vibes around the people they live or interact.

Reference

Spitzberg, B.H. (2006). A Struggle in the Dark. California: Roxbury

Equity Theory? Mere Theory or Practice?

As a people pro person I generally dwell into exploring the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. A decade before I wanted to study counselling and psychology just to understand the dynamics of human behavior, personality types, interpersonal communication, etc., to help people in the process of problem solving. Though I couldn't complete a degree in that field I was privileged to study these subjects in my work as a freelance writer.

Currently, I am studying about interpersonal communications and one theory I got interested in exploring deeply is Equity Theory. The Equity Theory talks about how much one brings into the relationship in terms of expressing love, care, warmth, empathy and giving time. No relationship sustains for long unless both the parties (whether spouses, friends, parents and children, or significant others) contributes equally into the relationship be it in terms of time, energy, selfless giving, showing empathy and care. If someone is always on the giving end they get tired of not being on the receiving end (not in monetary terms) and give up on the pursuit of that relationship and/or the relationship turns to exist on shallow waters. These are some of the dynamics of interpersonal relationships which if understood in the right sense can be applied rightly.

Just the way we believe in hard work to be successful in education, career, jobs and financial management, so do we need to work hard in maintaining relationships. Far and wide people assume that we don't need to work hard in sustaining relationships. If we are under such presumptions then we are taking relationships for granted. However, a relationship is successful only if both the concerned parties are willing to work hard to build it and even repair it. Equity theory is highly applicable in our day to day lives.

Hence its time to evaluate ourselves honestly what we have been in a relationship? If we have been a receiver then its time to become a giver; and if we have been a giver then its time to be a receiver...

Happy Reading!

When Life Finds Love

Dear Josh,

A poetry dedicated to you on your Birthday

Life was hard before you came by,
And there was no ray of hope.
Everything seemed like fantasy,
To think of happiness was foolishness.

It all looked as if heavens did not favor,
Any good tidings or to imagine there was love.

When you came by,
It was then proved,
That life sure meets with love,
A love so unselfish and pure.

Life would not have been made without you,
Where you made all the difference.

Life did see its share of good tidings,
And I know not,
What it would have been like,
Had you not come by.

Keeping Expectations at Bay...

One of the reasons why people get disappointed easily is because of high expectations. It is no wrong to have expectations in life, for hope is another synonym for expectation. Hope is good and is healthy. A hope  that things are working for better or for good is a very positive hope. It enables to deal with negative aspects in a helpful way.

But having too big an expectation can many a time cause disappointment. Because we get stuck to it so much expecting it to work our way, that we have not thought of an alternative or have plan B ready for us to lean on. Keeping our expectations at bay is an easier way of dealing with life. Otherwise unknowingly we expect life to work out for us in our terms. In reality not everything works in favor of us, especially those aspects of life which we do not have much control.

Understanding that we sometimes need to flow with what life throws at us is not an attitude that is embraced by a majority. This does not mean that we should not have goals and dreams which we may be pursuing. We need to have personal goals and dreams which we need to persistently pursue. Though we may be steering our life's boat, we need to understand that there may be challenges, require change, or take a different course. Even the best sailor, sails with how the course favor's the journey. Sailing with focus yet accepting what comes in the way by keeping our expectations at bay is a better way to avoid despair.

Think and Ink...

It is so very easy to preach, teach and give advice to others, but very difficult to practice the same in our own  lives. For instance, people who advice greatly on dieting are the ones with poor eating habits. It is seldom rare to find good advisers who are good practitioners too. Through life's self lessons, I have learnt not to advice others but only myself through self-talk. I find this very helpful to me and if at all I am telling or teaching somebody it is only to my closest one-my daughter. As a mom, I believe that I have a responsibility to teach my daughter some important life lessons.

This afternoon, came one life lesson during lunch time. The crux of the lesson was "We should not hide things from dad". This lesson wouldn't have come up if an incident would not have taken place. Unable to find a table in the room, I placed the food container on the laptop table without much thought. My daughter immediately jumped up saying that I can't do that as her dad has asked her not to use the laptop table for eating food. Not knowing what to do, I convinced my daughter saying that I will be cautious not to spill any food on it (I could imagine how mad this can make my husband. But I was handful to look for another table, though I knew this wouldn't be considered as a valid excuse). Before I could think of another option my daughter replied "Okay we will not tell this to dad". I told my daughter, "We should not hide things from dad. We will tell him what happened and I will have to take it if I get scolded". My daughter asked me again, "Mom, we should not hide things from dad?". "Yes, we shouldn't. You know that I don't hide things from dad no matter what". "Even if we get scolded?", she asked again. "Yes, I said". I was happy that what I said was getting re-emphasized in her mind. "To be transparent and honest is more important", I said. My daughter agreed. I could see that she was totally convinced because she has never seen me do things without my husband's knowledge. If we desire that our teachings, advise and preaching should carry weight and value to our kids, we better teach them those stuff which we ourselves do...